NeW cOnDoM sLoGaNs!
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
60 Things Never To Say To A Naked Guy
1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that
2. Ahh, it's cute
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. They have surgery to fix that
6. It's more fun to look at
7. Make it dance
8. Theres a tower in Italy like that
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler
11. Wow, and your feet are so big
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger
13. It's ok, we'll work around it
14. Is it mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww theres a inch worm on ur thigh
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache
18. (laugh and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8 y/o brother has one like that
21. Let me go get my tweezers
22. How sweet, you brought incense
23. This explains your car
24. You must be a growing boy
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Ever think of workin in a sideshow
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didnt know they came that small
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long
34. I never saw one like that before
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting
38. It looks so unused
39. Do you take steroids?
40. Excessive masturbation shrinks i
41. It look better in natural light??
42. Lets skip right to the cigarettes
43. I didnt know u were in an accident
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. Ill get ketchup for ur french fry
51. Were you neutered?
52. Good thing you have other talents
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. Thats why I judge by personality
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Ur big gun is more like a BB gun
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes
58. Never mind, why bother
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
A poem for us....
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL,
a BABE or a CHICK.
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK!?!
ARE YOU GAY?
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get
ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, craw fish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko
undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one
in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma.
A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with
Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,
NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or
know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it......you're
hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his
or play with the bitch in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le
Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with
a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films
yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame
out too quickly.