Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 monthes in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldnt have happened
If the rubber wouldnt have torn
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And i'll fuck you clean
Im a cool girl,
in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs
and whats between
POEM # 5
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
POEM # 6
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
POEM # 8
Holy mother , full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed,in which we fucked
And if my mum happened to walk in
Bless the shit i'd be in.
POEM # 9
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration
POEM # 10
Men are like public toliets
They are either engaged or full of shit!
POEM # 11
If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!
POEM # 12
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
POEM # 13
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
Ohh baby i get horny,
Fuck me, Very slowly,
if you kiss me, dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
It's ok to sweat the petty things,
but don't ever pet the sweaty things!
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: Why is the dick called a rumour in America?
A: It goes from mouth to mouth.
The nuns at the local convent had their daily
Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns
with a very serious frown on her face. She began to
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here,
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"
3 Virgin Daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it, in shaky handwriting, were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway
The alert train driver spots the couple miles before.
And immediately starts honking and starts applying the
But the couple just ignore it and are happily humping
The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few
yards away from the loving couple.
He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the
man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.
The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the
irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize
that had I not seen you at the right time, this would
have been your last.."
"Hold on...," replies the young man, "Listen, you were
coming and I was coming. But only you had brakes.."
I am A Sperm
Appearances can fool !!!!!
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in
conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear
the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight
line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.
At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky
ball which is the egg. Address it and say,'I'm a
Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.'
>From that moment on you will work together to create
the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he
hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the
A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks
back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach
the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he
smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a
TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME...
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make
plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support,
feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate,
jiffylube, stroke, console...
Purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone,
correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast,
forgive, sacrifice for, accessorize, leave, return,
beseech, sublimate, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe,
brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge,
polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up,
hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver,
tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle,
elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub,
rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her
places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her
existence, diddle, doodle...
Hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide,
slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world,wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush,
tingle, drip, dry, knead...
Fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME...
Show up naked.
Glorious Ways to Propose and enjoy the replies......
1. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. reply : I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!
2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together. reply : So, how many times did you fail kinder garden?
3.Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALLday long. reply: Yes, they are. I've been running away from you! >
4. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven. reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again? reply : Yeah.. why don't you walk by and just keep walking!
6. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle. reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?
7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes. reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would enough)
8.You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good. reply : You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!
9. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen. reply : So, that's your problem.. simple algebra!
Bathroom Light Problems
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?''
Letter of Recommendation
Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!''
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...''
Mrs. Johnson yells, ''STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Regards - Project Leader
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following furthermemo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards - Project Leader
Nuns & Holy Water|
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis..
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate...
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???
The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster
Night out with the guys
Periodic Table of Elements
Valuable scientific data.
Two proposed new additions to the periodic table (from Chemistry class) of elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
Men Never Listen
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH
50 Year Old Nakedness|
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal !!!"
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."
A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."
The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"
Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."
The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."
Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"
She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: January 28, 2000
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
I would do anything to pass
See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it. Don't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun! (You'll be surprised when you see what it is!)
Most people find it easiest to put your nose right up to the screen, then slowly back away while continuing to stare.
If you still don't see it scroll down for the answer......
ANSWER: It's a picture of..........NOTHING!!! I can't believe you fell for that! I hope someone walked by and saw you looking like a complete fool with your eyes crossed and your nose against the screen! Okay, you hate me now, so forward this on to someone else to impose upon them the same feelings of idiocy that you just experienced!
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. ''I would do anything to pass this exam.'' She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. ''I mean...'' she whispers, ''... I would do... anything.''
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When
He returns her gaze. ''Anything?''
His voice turns to a whisper. ''Would you... study?''
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
Yo mama so fat...
Only in America|
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs...
Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...
Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...
Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
her nickname is "DAMN"
Dogs and Men
she eats Wheat Thicks.
people jog around her for exercise.
she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world.
she put on a red tee shirt and all the little kids said "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid".
they wrote a book about her, It was called Moby Dick.
she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
she got to iron her pants on the driveway
she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
she fell in love and broke it.
when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
she's got her own area code!
she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
she wakes up in sections!
when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
she got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
she's on both sides of the family!
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
even her clothes have stretch marks!
she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
she got hit by a parked car!
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
she has a run in her blue-jeans!
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
she has to buy two airline tickets.
she influences the tides.
that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
the animals at the zoo feed her.
she was baptized at Marine World.
when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
she stands in two time zones.
sets off car alarms when she runs.
she cant reach her back pocket.
when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
she was zoned for commercial development
she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94"
she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
Yo mama so fat . . . she's fat!
God can't lift her spirits!
she played Free Willy's stunt double.
when she falls in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
she got an actual size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
that when she drives on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
when she jumps off the high dive she shows up on radar.
uses a freeway for a slip and slide.
her belt size is equator.
that people wish to buy food 100% "Yo Mama Free"
they won't allow her on most bridges.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man! (If you're a woman that is!)
Take A Hike
Yo mama so stupid...|
it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
she got a peep hole in a glass door.
you asked what's for dinner, she put her feet on the table and said corn!
she went to the drug store and asked for marijuana
she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate
she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company
she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
you have to dig for her IQ!
she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
she tripped over a cordless phone and got ran over by a parked car!
she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
she took a cup to see Juice.
she sold the car for gas money.
she ran into an automatic sliding door.
she tried to drown a fish.
she asked you "What is the number for 911"
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
she got stabbed in a shoot out.
she stole free bread.
she took a spoon to the superbowl.
she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
she jumped out the window and went up.
she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
she thought gangrene was another golf course
she couldn't read an audio book.
it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler"
it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's
that she sold potato chips on the corner and said free lays.
she thought Forrest Gump was a national park.
when she walked into Walgreens her dumb ass said, "These walls ain't green!!"
she tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a parked car.
she thought Manual Labor was the president of Mexico.
she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."
that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's.
she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
she asked for a price check at the $.99 store
she waited four hours for a 24 hour store to open.
she walked into an antique store and said what's new!
she locked herself in the bathroom and peed her pants
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Rules To Be A Man|
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.
34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Never listen.
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Blame everything on PMS.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.
68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor... make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.
73. Lie. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
85. Be early for everything or don't show up at all.
Clinton and Seuss
Good and Bad News|
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," said God.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, 'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife
Now that Miss Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have but I don't recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me Mr. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never ever did inhale.
One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Than I definitely Shit my pants!
Give me serenity!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes
I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember...
Thoughts for the day
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me!
1. Don`t sweat the petty things and Don`t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
4. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
6. If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. And whose cruel idea was it to put an `S` in the word `Lisp`?
9. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn`t it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice`?
13. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
14. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
16. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
18. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
22. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
23. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
24. Is it true that cannibals won`t eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Things to do @ Kmart|
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Redress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
69. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming "
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
The Cats Diary|
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
The First Haircut|
Kaytie was about to get her first haircut. She was a little fussy, so her mother gave her a chocolate chip cookie to calm her down.
When she was getting her haircut, Kaytie pulled the cookie out from under her bib.
The barber said, "Hey, your getting hair on your cookie!"
Kaytie responded, "Yeah, I'm getting boobies, too."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.
The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."
So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure."
So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"
The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!"
A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
Head & Shoulders
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
A blonde and brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor, a manager gets on who's perfect; 3 piece suit, great build and nice butt, the bad part is they both notice he has dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders".
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
A poem for us....
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK!?!